dear journal....

i just lost my virginity. after 19 years i lost it with a guy thats just my "friend" until yesterday that i found out that he actually had a girlfriend and just fucked me cus i was a virgin. the very next day i got a text saying "please leave arturo alone" i was like wow.... seriously i honestly did felt bad and i couldnt stop shoving chocolate and ice cream down my throat i know it sounds like a bad romance movie but it dose make u feel a bit better specially if u add tequila and some Intocable music (is u know who intocable is ur my new best friend) but anyways i was too busy being miserable that 2 days later that happened i remember that i had forgotten my phone on his car.... theres goes my wow again... incredible... we work on the same thing, in the same building, with the same people just in a different floor i couldnt even begin to think about him without my eyes starting to rain again. i have to be strong! i though u'll get over it! u'll been in wost cases! sudently that didnt sound that positive to me but i had to get my phone back it wasnt because i wanted to see him again to see if he was missing me as much as i was, it wasnt because i wanted to talk to him, it wasnt because i wanted him to chose me over his girlfriend, it wasnt because i had really fell for him NO. it was because i need my phone.... i did needed it so i could read all those txts that he would send me so late at night describing what he was gonna do to me once we were alone and guess what? it happend. and to be perfectly honest. i loved it. maybe it wasnt love. maybe i just miss the way he touched me. so peculiar so special so him. his perfume over mine.... that GODDAMN cologne Paris Hilton for men. i rember it. he forgot it at the hotel were we did it. it was a shame i should have just stole it from him. now everythime i hear mr. brightside i remeber how u used to call me and that song would just paly and let me know u were searching for me its a very good song but for some reason i cant seem to lisent to it for too long without crying and getting excited imagining that its maybe u again trying to contact me trying to reach me, u were never gentle with me not even when we had sex u were rough and rude and sexy but firm and misterious. maybe i dont miss u maybe im just bitter because i wanted u to stay with me .... maybe it was because u were my first... maybe thats what it is...


btw..... sex was great... i dont regret anything. i dont regret it.
and that a good thing.


-luv amy-